Because We Loved

Metamorphosis

... unexpected loss

Priorities

(*note; I found this in my archives after having deleted my blog several years ago... thought I'd repost it.)

A Whole New Year; What is YOUR Priority?

Every year I start off with a different set of new 'rules' that I want to keep for myself. We call them resolutions. Some years I've called them "hopes and dreams". Other years I've called them a pain in the but-what-can-you-do.

They have varied over time from hopes to read my Bible cover to cover, eat properly, exercise regularily or keep a journal to; clean up my critical thoughts, simplify my life, stay in touch with family more, quit apologizing for my decisions or earnestly choose to forgive instead of holding a grudge.

I think when we reduce life down to it's simplest form we will begin to see what really matters.
Nothing has personally done this for me more than in the grieving season following the loss of a loved one.
It is during the weeks and months that follow the funeral when, although I am most exhausted, I have greater tolerance for the humdrum dailyness and 'things' of life. I don't seem to care so much when someone cuts in front of me in the grocery store line-up. I put up with clutter, don't flinch when something breaks, ignore the grey hairs, sit down to finish drinking my coffee while it's hot.
At the same time; I find that my intolerance for some things is greatly aggravated.
People who are taking their life for granted irritate me.
I can't stand hearing people bicker, those who must insist on being 'right' become more than annoying, and folks who can only complain with their latest 'world-done-me-wrong' story make me want to slap them up side the head.

I find that the two categories have an interesting co-relation to our new years resolutions.

If we would see that the things that really matter are not 'things' but relationships, we may change our lists from dieting, daily devotions and exercising to sorting through our lives and actively changing the things that really NEED a change. Our attitudes, our interpersonal relationships, our emotional and spiritual investments in others lives. Our own emotional and spiritual health.

Life is short.
This year could be my last. Could be your last. At the end of it; which will matter most? That you shed the extra 10 lbs while reading your Bible as you huffed and puffed on your treadmill? Or that you can see a measurable increase in your love for God, for people and for yourself? That you DID something better, or BECAME someone better?

This New Year, prioritize your life based on eternity. What really will matter in 12 months? What won't? Of course, taking care of our bodies and purposing to be more disciplined are not to be tossed aside. But, perhaps the motive to do those things needs to be analyzed and re-evaluated.

:

myrrhart: Held

myrrhart: Held

Shower Therapy

In the shower I can cry and no one will ever know.

Red eyes? Got shampoo in them.
Blotchy face? Water was too hot.

I wash my hair, my body, my soul all at the same time.

Convenient. Tidy. Safe.

How many times a day is it considered normal to have a shower?

The Journey; by Mary Oliver

Mary Oliver - The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice—
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do—
determined to save
the only life you could save.

Daughters

When my daughters were young they tormented, teased and provoked each other as siblings do. But, between the ages of 11 to 15, I feared our name might make headlines as hormonally induced wars raged incessantly. Yet, here we are ~ glory be! Three adult daughters who laugh together, share some mutual friends, spend time with each other and are pleasant and enjoyable to be with.
Grandchildren...what a lovely idea...
I hope they have daughters.
:)

midsummer breathe

midsummer breathe june 25 2009

all is gold-green and blue-grey
haste and noise of day fade
i walk away, away
dusk falls and saturates
tossing weightless shadows
loosely gathered round my waist
awaken drowsy senses
places deep and yet unknown
dream in rhythm
my heart and yours

breathe me

lightly draping, dew tasting
here and there and
liquid mouth of evening sky
takes me in as i hush, hush
then
tingle
and come
...alive
and enters
washing over
cool and warm altogether
earth and sky touch and melt
waves of safe darkness
closing
on my bare skin
let me in
let me in

let me be an island

If you are the ocean

then let me be an island;

surrounded by the caress of your waves,

a shelter from the wild storms,

a safe place for you to land,

and always in rhythm

with the tide

of your heart-beat.

un-guarded

....sometimes one should wait to speak until they are ....
guarded...
but there is wild beauty in transparency
:)

joy to my soul....
this is the moment of joy i am experiencing...
having spent another who-knows-how-many-hours editing photos..
my daughter's wedding
combined with
my foot falling asleep...the refreshing wind after the driving rain...
the faint buzzing of a bumblebee finding it's home by my window..
the song playing from my music selection...
and a knock at the door
brings my heart an overwhelming flood of emotion
the spirit
has hit my soul...my mind recoils
but truly... i am alive in the moment
my body, my soul, my spirit quivering with life and vibrancy

two of my girls were here... my son and son-in-law-to-be...
chatting, joking, holding each other with invisible heart-strings
how i love them
how alive they are to each other
how in love
how full of life
they leave but i am filled...
the room is empty but my heart is overflowing
with love
and gratitude
and joy
and celebration
and...... did i mention....the joy of God's mercy?
:)
so much has been given
even when i have stolen much
have added to the lashes
have spat and scorned
crumbs from the Master's table
how can i only see what has been taken
and not the wealth of what is given?
i desire the gratitude of one leper who came back to say
thank-you!!!!
Lord...oh Lord!
no sense of entitlement...
i deserve the whip
but seeing that this MAN gave restoration
and wholeness....and He was GOD...in skin...
love...
LOVE
personified...
He meets us...running in wild abandon toward the object of His desire..
me...you....
and enters the room
where we have made a space....
shared the embrace of oneness in love
:)
joy has filled this room
room 8
and lingers....
and i am dancing in the moment
confined only by my body

hear that music?
it's my soul composing it's requiem
a ballad
to honour this life.....rescued...
show me how to love like You..
and bring the scent of heaven
to tantalize my longing ...
beyond what i cannot have here...
oh
hosanna...

One Thing

Jesus said to Simon Peter, in Luke 10:41-42; "Only one thing is essential and Mary has chosen it, and it won't be taken away from her."

What had Mary chosen?
To sit and listen to Jesus at His feet, close to Him, undistracted by what 'needed' to be done.
I doubt their house was that big.
Martha probably could hear Jesus teaching while she prepared the meal and bustled about the house.
But Mary was giving undivided attention.

There's something about listening, REALLY listening to someone when they are sharing from their innermost being.
Watching their face, their hands, their eyes, all the non-verbal communication that tells us as much if not more about what they are saying than their actual words might.

It's being present in the moment.
And moments made up of connecting with the spirit of another are the essence of eternity.
Relationship.

I wondered....

Is it possible, that if other things that we are doing for God, though high in importance in our walk with Him, get in the way of this 'One Thing', they would be taken from us?

Because really, He just wants us.

Waiting Room

I asked her if she wanted me to go, but rather than nodding and kindly dismissing me, her "No", with an underlying tremor begged me to stay.
So I stayed.
And for a few heartbeats became part of the journey that she was on.

I had slipped into this waiting room for a little break while our baby was sleeping in his hospital bed. My arms ached from having held him in the same position long enough for him to fall asleep deeply. Now, wanting to stay close, this waiting room on the opposite side of the hospital ward was a small oasis. I hoped to find a comfy chair and settle into the brief but needed 'unrest' of parents of a sick child.

Her name was Melissa.
Early 30's. Poised. Dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, the comfort garb of most parents and caregivers on the pediatric floor.
On closer observance, her eyes were pained, weary.
She was absentmindedly flipping through a magazine when I came in.
Smiles exchanged and I offered to leave if she wanted to be alone.
Her response and invitation to join her opened up the usual conversation.
Do you have a child in here? How old? What are the doctors saying? How long have you been here?
A brief synopsis and instant camaraderie.

"Hear that?" she asked.
The child screaming down the hall? Yes. No doubt the whole floor could hear him!
Her son. We grinned at each other with empathy.
She needed a break... and the nurse offered to keep an eye on him so she could leave for a much coveted sanity-saver.

We talked for a few more minutes; sharing the mutual understanding of having a child in a serious medical condition.

Her son, only 3, was suffering with ongoing secondary medical problems from the horrible disease of cystic fibrosis (basically,the body's inability to produce sweat and mucous causing many complications; including a gradual worsening of lung function).
They had been in and out of the hospital too many times to count, and recently in for 2 weeks straight.

As we were talking, an intern came in to speak with her.
The look on his face suggested this was not good news.
I offered to go.
With an anxious glance and a word from her, I knew I should stay.


In the next few moments, much of what they discussed was in medical terms foreign to my knowledge.
Cancer-words; I knew.
This disease, I did not.
But the bottom line came through at the end of their discussion.
Too clear.
To deal with his current abdominal malfunction which was only getting worse; both options would mean more surgery and less chance for a longer survival.
He was sorry.
She understood, and when her husband came later they would discuss the matter together.

The intern left...

Within a second I was on my feet, wrapping my arms around her as she burst into tears, weeping on my shoulder and in broken, stifled sobs crying,
"I don't know what to do! I don't know what to do for him!".

And all I could do was cry with her and hold her.
Mumbling quietly that I would pray for her...that angels were with her...that I was so sorry...
She soaked my weak words into her soul.

Then, as quickly as she had fallen apart, she was together again and almost embarrassed by her lack of composure said she must get back to him.
Turning to leave, she thanking me awkwardly.
I reassured her it was not a burden for me to be there in that moment.
I was not uncomfortable.

NO, the sickness was not okay.
No, the situation was not okay.
But, it was okay, to show her care.
Her emotions. She did not have to keep it all together, all the time.
Especially there. In the Waiting Room.

I never saw her again.

Things are not as they appear...

Flying not-too-high in a 4-seater plane last week ~ with the sun just at the point where shadows become long and reach across fence lines spilling onto the neighbours fields ~ I took this picture, of the Ontario landscape below.

As I have been editing my photos from the plane-ride, I keep coming back to this one.
This lone tree in the middle of so much agricultural land grabbed my attention.
I wonder about it.

What makes is so special that the farmer would deliberately leave it be and plan all his crops around it, instead of removing it to make seed-time and harvest that much simpler?
It wasn't near a house for added visual beauty or near a barn for livestock to enjoy some summer shade.
Smack dab in the middle of a field surrounded by other fields.

It speaks to me.

When I am alone, I need to remember that God sees me, not from ground-level where things are judged by their substance...
but
He sees me from His perspective. From His heart.
He sees the impact my 'shadow' is having in the sphere of my influence.
He knows and understands.

This tree reminds me that I too, must not judge others from my limited horizontal viewpoint.
But from a heavenly view.
The shadow of the tree stretches farther than even it's roots might grow.
It is not hindered by other trees, fences or boulders.
Like my spirit; it's shadow is not contained strictly by the physical but affects the unseen.
I cannot see from ground level the length of the shadows and ripples another is having in their world.
I cannot know whose lives they have touched.
I cannot know what areas their souls have spilled over into.
I want to learn better the art of looking past the substance, the body, and into the soul, where the Light lives.

Unremarkable in itself, the tree; like me; is never out of the Father's vision.
Unremarkable from the ground; but my Father sees from His perspective...
He sees me with the eyes of Eternity.

For Sparky

Dear 'Sparky"'

One of the many amazing things about God is; He has made it very easy to come to Him and receive forgiveness and reconciliation back to Him.
Becoming a Christian is the simplest thing ever. It is just a long, legalistic church history that has made it all about 'rules and being good or bad'.
TRUE Christianity is not about rules.
It's about grace; which is; receiving something we don't deserve instead of getting what we do deserve.
Living for God SHOULD boil down to one thing; listening to His Spirit IN us and obeying it.
The way we get His spirit to come live in us is...
to ASK Him to come to live in us.
Simple. But true.

The Bible says that when Jesus died and rose from the dead because He lived a sinless life; He went back to heaven but LEFT US His Holy Spirit to be our Comforter, Counselor, Healer, Teacher, Guide... etc.
It is NOT meant to be for intellectuals! But for 'children'. :) like me.

(Read;"Abruptly Jesus broke into prayer: 'Thank you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth. You've concealed your ways from sophisticates and know-it-alls, but spelled them out clearly to ordinary people. Yes, Father, that's the way you like to work.' Jesus resumed talking to the people, but now tenderly. 'The Father has given me all these things to do and say. This is a unique Father-Son operation, coming out of Father and Son intimacies and knowledge. No one knows the Son the way the Father does, nor the Father the way the Son does. But I'm not keeping it to myself; I'm ready to go over it line by line with anyone willing to listen. -'Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me--watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly.' Matthew 11:25-30 MSG"


SO... we are made with a BODY; a SOUL and a SPIRIT
...THE SOUL is where most of our issues lie.
It consists of our MIND, WILL, and EMOTIONS.
It is in our SOUL where the battles are raged;

.. when we try and live through our emotions, we are fickle and flighty and our life is a roller-coaster of mood swings. We may 'feel' like Jesus loves us one day and NOT feel like He should the next.
Based on our feelings; we will either get frustrated with our faith and give up all together, or we'll 'feel' that God is disappointed with us and might give up on us.
FEELING-based living is very inconsistent and scary!

AND.... when we live through our MINDS we analyze everything that happens, and try to make all our decisions based on what the predicted outcome will be.
Eg; if I do 'A' then "B' should happen and then I'll be happy."
Living based on what we KNOW turns people into self-righteous, independent control-freaks.
Our 'faith' becomes based on US. On what we 'do'...how much we've read the Bible, how much information we have learned from books or shows or schooling...
We intellectualize spiritual things. We become 'religious'.
Pride is one of the huge fall-outs of living from our Minds...and when people live with PRIDE; they don't 'need' God. He's just there for emergencies instead of being our LIFE-source.

SO>.... living out of our SPIRIT.... is about RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD!!!
He LOVES US!!!! He wants to be actively part of our day-to-day, moment-to-moment thoughts, motives and choices.
Our Spirit becomes ALIVE or born again as some Christ-followers would call it; when we accept that we cannot do ONE good thing to earn God's favour and that HE has already done EVERYTHING to bring us back into a love-relationship with Him by coming as a Man (Jesus) and dying as a SUBSTITUTE for OUR sin.
Our sin separates us from God. Jesus is the bridge back to Him.
When we accept that; that Jesus did it FOR us; and invite His Spirit to live through us; we become NEW.... also known as; Born Again; also known as; Christian; also known as; a Believer in THE Way.

SO...living out of our spirit; which NOW has the actual SPIRIT OF GOD in it to make it alive; means we can choose to live out of our emotions; (reacting) our minds (controlling/analyzing) or our spirits (saying, "God what would you like me to do right now?", or "God, I need you to give me direction...")
Usually the best prayer is "Oh God, Oh God, Oh God.....have mercy on me!".
:)

It can happen in a split second; or it can take days, even months to 'know' from His Spirit, what He would have us do.

But His Spirit in us is not just there to tell us what to do.
He lives in us to bring us peace, joy, love, patience, kindness, self-control, comfort, healing, discipline and so on.

I call it 'Living out of the Centre.'.
When I consciously live from the spirit; the Centre of me; I get the wonderful realization that the God of the Universe is IN me and loves me and wants to work through me.
It is not always clear. In fact, it is called "Seeing through a dark glass" in the Bible.

YOU... were living in relationship to God the night you were laying on your bed talking to Him and praying and then, He came with His spirit and brought you peace and rest after you obeyed His nudge. COOOOOOL!!!

Okay...I've rattled on long enough.
I could go on MORE about how our misconstrued ideas about who GOD is; along with things that have happened to us in life; keep us from being ABLE to receive His truth from our spirit....
Blockages to spiritual truth...but that could take another hour and cause you to break out in a rash.

loveya! ~ lil' red

moonlight dance

what a stirringly,
simply beautiful evening it is

the air pregnant with promise of summer
begging me to come join in the Dance
old as creation
young as my next breath

I slip into the moist spring air
feet bare
eyes wide as the softly rising moon

dark as chocoate
deep as wine
night falls

with whispers of angels wings
and Spirit singing
and hearts reaching out
to hold and hover
with love, cover
when the reach of hands
cannot span the distance

awaken my soul and sing!
winter is over
springtime has come
arise!

Ashes to Ashes

Cleaning corners and closets and boxes labelled "Old Stuff"
I am purging my life of the unnecessary and making room, creating space.
Space to grow and move and breathe.
Then, dusty relics of my childhood surface unceremoniously,
more worn and less needed than I remember,
bringing with them the ambivalent echos of the past,
of skeletons rattling
and fanciful fairies giggling
of ghosts mourning
and guardian angels hovering.

They stare at me and I at them,
an understanding, a knowing look,
and again
I am caught up in reviewing the moments they were witness to.

Happy moments shared with a little friend
and her own collection of stuffed toys.
Our endless imaginations fueled by day-to-day journeys
from innocence to worldy wisdom,
awakened too soon.
Knowing too much.

One bear,
found by my father in a field being plowed for spring sowing
and tossed carelessly to me.
Should have been burned then... but gifts were rare,
so instead, washed and stitched and face carefully
(if sloppily) re-embroidered, christened and loved
she became one of the family.
Yet now, so many years later,
I cannot recall her name.

The other bear
tall, dark and handsome, made for another
but given to me
a product of home-made Grandma love.
Theodore, I name him and he takes up space as
the prize of the collection
the bear that graces my bed and keeper of my secrets.

Sad moments.
Googley eyes that have seen a little girl at her most raw grief
alone and suffocating in sorrow.
Stifled sobs and tears absorbed by brown-bear faux fur.
Not knowing enough.

I look at them, they look at me.
To no one else is their significance affirmed.
To none other is their worthiness valued.
They know too much. And I am making room, creating space...

When I was a child...

But now. I need the space.

A final hug... a kiss...a smile
And a proper cremation.

Now, I bury the past and these icons of a child's hopes and dreams.
A child's sorrows and nightmares.
They know too much.

Now, a woman freed, I move forward on this uncertain road
but a road of promise.
And the space to grow.
And, I know.
And it is enough.

House of Faith

'Living a life of faith means never knowing where you are being led. But it does mean loving and knowing the One who is leading. It is literally a life of faith, not of understanding and reason
—a life of knowing Him who calls us to go.'

Our home is up for sale... again!
We know there are those who would like to 'explain' why we do what we do... wanting reasons and validation for our choices... for everything from homeschooling to moving to jobs to church, to our lifestyle choices...
Is this irresponsible behaviour?
Discontentment? High expectations? Dissatisfaction, or do we actually enjoy selling and moving as opposed to settling in one spot for a lifetime?
sigh*
It's starting to sound lame for us to say we believe God is leading us...
some people don't like that for an answer.
Leaves too many questions.
Makes them uncomfortable.
But it's the TRUTH for us!
I don't particularily like moving at ALL!
...and had thought I could stay here for the next 20 years, too...
...or on the 10th of Bruce...
...or in the Ellice Swamp...
...but i keep letting go; and God gives grace.

We could have it wrong. We might be off on this.
But, although there have been times I think our moves could have been different; I have no doubt that each one of them was God directed.
He is faithful! This is how He works with us.
We don't get it either.
But we've long stopped trying to figure God out... it is much more fun to enjoy Him and run after Him.
We have more faith in His ability to keep us and lead us and bring us where He wants us than in the enemy's ability to destroy us or mislead us.
God knows our hearts.
And we are doing what we can to follow His.

Anything with Nothing

We, the unwilling,
led by the unknowing,
are doing the impossible for the ungrateful.
We have done so much,
for so long,
with so little,
we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.

Mother Teresa



it struck me and has stuck to me
like the familiar scent of a distantly remembered perfume
bringing back a memory
of something once cherished but long since gone
stirring up a longing of what should be but isn't

it stuck to me
surrounded by abundance
while many do with nothing what only God can empower
and I want to know...
why is my heart so far from pure still?
that i seek my own comfort as necessary before meeting the comfort of others...
of brothers and sisters discarded
i would ask for prayer...but even that sounds selfish!

He is pouring into me in these moments
of surrender...
and it hurts; this naked honesty of heart...
but it is my drug; to know Him and be known by Him
and I know only this:
I am nothing!
He is all...
and He is love
and I want to be nothing but LOVE.

Held

It's late in the day and the autumn sky is darkening grey and cold.
The baby and I have been at the hospital for six hours.
So many tests have already been done combined with the endless waiting between procedures.
By now, the baby is exhausted, miserable and wanting to be left alone, he buries his face in my neck.
Although the ultrasound is the final test, I know he will not be interested in laying down on a table to be prodded and poked by strangers in lab coats yet again.
But this one test is necessary and unavoidable.
The moment the baby sees the examination table he screams and clings fiercely to me.
So, I do what seems best.
I climb on the table first, gently lay him on top of me, tummy up, wrap my arms around him and give him his bottle to drink.

I softly hum a song and the quietness of the room and whirring of the machines aid in his falling asleep within moments.
His breathing slows and evens.
I force myself to relax.
But, I feel an aching inner panic.
A surreal sense of brewing ill-winds... but like a bird in her nest as a storm approaches, I can do nothing more than turn inward and try my best to protect this small one in my embrace.

* * * *
The day we found out that the lump in our 15 month old foster baby's belly was serious will forever be stamped in permanent ink on the pages of my mind's memory book.

Blood in his urine one morning led to a trip to the medical clinic but nothing was found.
The next day as my son was playing with him, he discovered a large lump on the baby's lower abdomen.
We decided to keep an eye on it and see if the oddly distended belly was just naturally going to pass or if there was more happening.

Sunday night, he seemed inconsolable after a visit to his family, so we took him in to emergency.
An appointment was made for the next day to see the pediatrician at the nearest large hospital.
Tests were ordered, and I found myself 6 hours later in the final test for the day... the ultrasound.

And here I was.
And here he was... trusting me.
Oblivious to the medical drama playing out on his account.
The examination seemed to take an extra amount of time.
The technician was quiet. And finally excused herself saying she needed to get the doctor to come look at the screen.

The hurricane intensified. The winds howled. I closed my eyes and held on.

It was then that the sweet voice of the Spirit spoke to my inner ear.

"Mary" He seemed to say,
"Just as you cannot go through this for the baby, you can go through this with him. And just as you are holding him now, so am I holding you both through this journey. I am near. I surround you."
And courage rose up in my heart.
It would be okay. We would not be delivered from the storm, but we could walk through it knowing we were not alone.
Delivered from fear.
Delivered from the uncertainty of the future.
For God was already There.

After the doctor took another round of pictures and examinations, he solemnly looked at me and bluntly dropped the bomb;
"There is a large growth on the baby's kidney that needs to come out as soon as possible."

The next day, we were driving to London Hospital for Sick Children and the battle with cancer began.
The storm increased. The winds began to rage.
But around me and the baby was a shield of faith, an angel of Light, the promise of the Shelter under His wings.
And in the wind, I could hear Him singing over me... songs of love and deliverance.

.