Ashes to Ashes

Cleaning corners and closets and boxes labelled "Old Stuff"
I am purging my life of the unnecessary and making room, creating space.
Space to grow and move and breathe.
Then, dusty relics of my childhood surface unceremoniously,
more worn and less needed than I remember,
bringing with them the ambivalent echos of the past,
of skeletons rattling
and fanciful fairies giggling
of ghosts mourning
and guardian angels hovering.

They stare at me and I at them,
an understanding, a knowing look,
and again
I am caught up in reviewing the moments they were witness to.

Happy moments shared with a little friend
and her own collection of stuffed toys.
Our endless imaginations fueled by day-to-day journeys
from innocence to worldy wisdom,
awakened too soon.
Knowing too much.

One bear,
found by my father in a field being plowed for spring sowing
and tossed carelessly to me.
Should have been burned then... but gifts were rare,
so instead, washed and stitched and face carefully
(if sloppily) re-embroidered, christened and loved
she became one of the family.
Yet now, so many years later,
I cannot recall her name.

The other bear
tall, dark and handsome, made for another
but given to me
a product of home-made Grandma love.
Theodore, I name him and he takes up space as
the prize of the collection
the bear that graces my bed and keeper of my secrets.

Sad moments.
Googley eyes that have seen a little girl at her most raw grief
alone and suffocating in sorrow.
Stifled sobs and tears absorbed by brown-bear faux fur.
Not knowing enough.

I look at them, they look at me.
To no one else is their significance affirmed.
To none other is their worthiness valued.
They know too much. And I am making room, creating space...

When I was a child...

But now. I need the space.

A final hug... a kiss...a smile
And a proper cremation.

Now, I bury the past and these icons of a child's hopes and dreams.
A child's sorrows and nightmares.
They know too much.

Now, a woman freed, I move forward on this uncertain road
but a road of promise.
And the space to grow.
And, I know.
And it is enough.