Let it Go.

April 28, 2013


and so this morning...
I danced...

the worship team was anointed in their songs
and i knew at one point
i must dance
so
i took my shoes off
took my glasses off
and stepped into the aisle

and
danced....

i can't even remember the song at this moment...
but it had to do with worship
and i know my heart was choosing to surrender
even in the pain
even in the public display of undignified adoration
I needed to let go and dance..
right up the aisle
right to the front
and there to kneel and worship
and worship
and worship
and let go

... the broken places...

Tender Warrior

Starshine

A cat makes a house a home someone once said....And so far, after day 3 of having the elusive Starshine lurking about my wee house, a cat also makes a house a lot HAIRIER.

I had been toying with the idea of getting a pet for some time.
I'm alone and although I don't mind THAT so much, I felt having something to nurture besides my houseplants would be a bit of therapy for my soul, perhaps.
(although I hope the cat doesn't judge my ability to love and nurture based on the appearance and health of my houseplants...)
So after several weeks of searching, I found Star on Kijiji for FREE.
She is long-haired and black. I have a black davenport, so a black cat was a priority.
She is fixed and she is so pretty.
I have only been able to hold her briefly... we're still getting familiar with each other.
I admit that the best thing so far about having a cat is using the excuse that I'm talking to the cat now, when previously I was talking out loud to myself.
The term "Crazy-Cat-Lady" has it's roots in such motives.

Beloved....

Last week a friend who runs a local summer camp asked if I could create 19 pieces of art with a specific word on it to be presented in 5x7" frames and given to the 19 single moms who were attending camp with their children for the week. 
The word she wanted on the art was, "BELOVED".
I agreed.
Beloved.

She didn't ask for any other word.... not "Princess", "Beautiful", "I love you", or "Daughter of God"....
BELOVED.

I went through my thousands of photos and pulled a couple dozen of photos that I felt might touch these women, especially when the word "Beloved" was put on them.
I don't know the women.... just that we are all the Beloved.
And when this word is spoken by a Beloved it touches deep and fragile areas of our woundedness and begins to bring healing. The winter begins to melt into spring.

Beloved.
Loved beyond measure, without deserving, ...flowers appear all over the earth... 

As an adjective;dear, loved, valued, prized, dearest, sweet, admired, treasured, precious, darling, worshiped, adored, cherished, revered.

As a noun; darling, love, sweet, lover, angel, loved one, sweetheart, true love, dear one, inamorata (inamorato), leibchen.

Beloved.
My soul can't dance without You. My praises all surround You.
Beloved.
My Beloved is beautiful... 

And the song "End of the Story" ~ Jon Thurlow

"I know the end of the story
I come up from the wilderness
Leaning on my Beloved...
Your love is so high
Your love is so wide
Your love is so deep
Your love is so long...

And I know it's Your love, it's written on my heart
And there is not a flood that can quench this love
And I know it's Your love, it's stronger than the grave
And death could never take me from this love

Death, nor Life, nor Angels, nor Powers
Present things, nor things in the future
Height nor depth nor any created thing
Could ever separate me from Your love

It's Your strong love, Your strong love
It's Your strong love, Your strong love..."

and to go with this....I've posted a song I've recorded (roughly....)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=wYG_xFZoHl8

Mary's Garden

I walk a lot these days.

Twice daily the two babies I am nanny to are wrestled into the double stroller, sung little silly songs to until they're settled back and away we go.

By the time they're both sleeping I'm often entering into one of my favourite areas... the beautiful Avondale Cemetery. 

Old, majestic trees fully robed in their summer greenery, tower above me as I dare to traipse through their kingdom. 

The winding lanes and pathways up and around the side of the hill in the oldest part of the cemetery create the perfect shade. It's quiet usually. Somber. Sad. But so peaceful. And in a way, Timeless.


A sea of aging tombstones standing, leaning, fading, but still echoing back in their deeply etched stone a simple epitaph. Sometimes only a name and a date. 

Last week, I saw one that I must have walked by dozens of times but never noticed the name.
The name;
Margaret Mary Garden.

I stopped dead. ( figuratively speaking )

I've never seen my name "Mary Margaret"  (or the reverse) on any tombstones. Even my mother for whom I am named has only "Margaret" not her middle name "Mary" on her headstone.

I stood there... asking Father for insight.... you see...recently the whole metaphor of my life, my heart, my most intimate self being a garden has been ...well... Growing!

Of course, having the name Mary means that I've had people rattle off the nursery rhyme to me for my entire life.
"Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow?"

How is my garden? My soul?

It feels as though it is dry.... arid... lonely...  but there have been such incredible oasis too.
Am I keeping it protected? Are the weeds being pulled? Trees being pruned? Rodents and rascals being trapped and kept out? Diseases and destroying pests being identified and eliminated? In this drought, am I pushing deeper with the roots of faith into the soil and foundation of God's Love, Grace and Mercy?

I want this season; this new desert time; to bring me an appreciation for the desert garden in it's unique beauty.
So I can say as Jesus did in a garden long ago... "Not my will, Father, but your's be done.

A Future Only He Can See

So many people could have said this quote I've posted above...but having it said by Corrie Ten Boom gives it powerful resonance.

 Corrie Ten Boom and her family were Christians in Holland who built a secret room in their house and hid Jews in it during World War II.
They got caught, and were taken to concentration camps, where they all were killed or died except for Corrie. She then went on to travel around the world telling her story at churches and letting people know that "There is no hole that is so deep, that God is not deeper still"
 (Corrie's story in her own words is found here on youtube... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VlmxNv6kedk&feature=related ")
 (and if you haven't watched the movie "The Hiding Place" based on her true story; PLEASE do... here's a trailer; 'http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YWg47sLwlHk&feature=related' )

 In what seems minor in comparison, is my life.
 I'm now alone. By my choice and by the cumulative impact of choices made by those in my life.
 I never imagined I would be here.

And I tremble with fear at times at the acceleration of things set in motion. The shifting uncertainty of foundations cracked and now crumbling in my life.

 But it is mine to live and to journey to wholeness found only in the One who counts each freckle on my face, catches each tear I cry, calms the raging storm in my soul as I wrestle with the surrender of a future only He knows and by which He is preparing me with each person and situation I encounter.

 Nothing is coincidence.
 God's Timing is perfect.
 Outcome uncertain.
 Grow in love and grace.

The Ocean Floor

By AUDIO ADRENALINE:
 "The mistakes I've made
 That caused pain I could have done without
 All my selfish thought All my pride
 The things I hide You have forgot about
 They're all behind you
 They'll never find you
 They're on the ocean floor
 Your sins are forgotten
 They're on the bottom
 Of the ocean floor
 My misdeeds All my greed
 All the things that haunt me now
 They're not a pretty sight to see
 But they're wiped away
 By a mighty, mighty wave
 A mighty, mighty wave
 Your sins are erased
 And they are no more
 They're out on the ocean floor
 Take them away
 To return no more
 Take them away
 To the ocean floor"

No Place Like 'Home'....

In my lifetime, I have physically moved my belongings sixteen times. 

Fourteen of those times happened after I became married. 

Five times, I have moved to a significantly different geographic location. 

This means; not only the arduous task of packing and unpacking. Refitting, recycling, repainting.

 New neighbours, new bylaws, new directions, new address, new garbage schedule, new blue-box, new phone number, new habits, new patterns... 

But letting go of all the old. Hoping that something new can also be good. 

This past time, I have moved alone. 

Home is not a house.

Home is not even the neighbourhood or the memories attached to it. Home is where your heart has the peace and acceptance to kick back and be at ease. Love, mercy, grace, forgiveness, acceptance, safety, healing, ... Where my soul says to yours, Ah.... it's YOU! I've been waiting for YOU. And the shared silence is the ministry of presence. Home.

Patience in the Desert

Dear Friend,
...this could very well be one of those type of emails that one regrets sending the day after they send it...good that I trust you...
:)

it is late...a storm rages...
I am worn out after having spent the day painting ...

who am i?
where am i going? :)
who are you? what is your destiny, my beloved friend?

a little late in the day to be thinking of destiny...
but while i was painting was listening to cd's of a pastor/speaker ... something to do with finding and fulfilling your destiny...
was really powerful teaching and struck many chords in my heart...
i felt faith rise up again.... weary eyes reopened
i felt too the sting of correction

something i learned again...tonight... just now...
i failed, my friend....
i failed too
i fell...
but; not too far ; His hand is not shortened that it cannot save....

i learned that again... what i see as His standard for me, is not necessarily meant for others
and how arrogant and legalistic of me to say it should be
but how disobedient for me to disregard it in my own life
the standard that He shows me...
He says to me "I set before you death and life; choose life"

it is for my life, I must choose... not yours or my other friends' or anyone else...
but the life and the call the purpose and destiny that He has designed for me before the foundations of the world

i must obey and let the burning take it's pound of flesh
i must follow...
the narrow road which takes me up and farther in... higher...
no compromise for things of principle
and more grace for the humanity He died for...
this is what i want
but there is a cost
and for me
this cost is things that i see dropping from me like rotted fruit off the vine
if i let it go...and let Him prune from me more of what might be good; or okay;
but not best for where I am aching and longing to be...
i want Him; more and more of HIM

:)
and so...
i apologize to you ....funny friend..
if in any way i have put my call to obey Him onto you..
and i feel the loneliness of it already. :)
I wish my soul could be of help to you in some way...

i ramble... sorry
do i speak in riddles?
yes... but
no...
you will know or will not know
or will not care to know!
ha
and it is late, late, late...
and i spin
and cry
and God; let me choose LIFE.
Love; covers all... covers and endures...
even and maybe moreso in the desert
do you have patience for me here?
:)
ahhhh....
He is closer than my skin
breathe..~
~ little one

Because We Loved

Metamorphosis

... unexpected loss